Mothering well: It’s not about me

I love being a mom, but I love my kids more. You may be thinking, huh? What do you mean? Are these in competition? Well, they may be.

I was blessed to grow up in a loving home with mom and dad, a sister and two brothers. Then there were the years that my family took in foster children, several of them living with us for over two years, so for awhile we were 8 kids. And still any given day, there may have been one, two or three more for an overnight emergency that sometimes turned into a few days. My mom was undaunted by the task, holding her peace enough even to occasionally take a friend’s kids for the day, so her friend could “de-stress” from her two. Ha! I thought that was funny at the time, but I know now that I had a super mom as my role model, and am grateful for her. Since we all had our chores, and the older helped take care of the younger, it was just natural to be a popular babysitter at a young age. So by the time I got married at twenty, I was primed for motherhood.

I’ll never forget the birth of my first daughter and the wonder of her coming into the world. As she popped out, after many hours of painful labor I may add, the doctor turned to my husband and said, “Congratulations! They’re going to call you father-in-law!” That was his way of saying, it’s a girl. We laughed and cried and marveled at God’s wonderful design. But although we laughed, my husband scarcely had her in his arms when he somberly said, “Oh dear, now I understand your father completely.” What did he mean? The moment he laid eyes on our baby girl, he fell in love with her, and thought of all he would do to care for and protect her. Then he thought of the day some young man would come asking for her hand, and he would not want to let her go. Well, that day has come and gone, and though his tears may have dampened the pillow the first night she would no longer come “home”, it is our great joy to see her growing her own family. Now expecting her second child, my daughter recently said, I was born to be a mother.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about raising children and letting them go. It may be one of the hardest things a mom does. Usually, but not always, moms tend to cling while dads tend to thrust. I mean, think about someone you do life with and how they play with their toddler. Dad will be throwing him in the air and catching him, while mom is shrieking, Be careful! Mom will be holding her in the pool and telling her to kick, while dad will throw her in and see her swim. There are challenges as children grow, such as teaching your child to walk, ride a bike, and drive a car, each meaning you must let go a little more than the last time, until the big one comes.

Letting go may be one of the hardest things a mom does.

Mom, I’m 18 and ready to move out on my own. Mom, I’m so excited about my choice for college (and it’s 1,000 miles away). Mom, he asked me and we’re getting married this year. Mom, I want to serve my country and go into the service. Face it, we all know it’s coming, but somehow we’re just not ready for the way it hits us. Why is this?

Being a mom around the clock, 24/7, for over 900 weeks, is not to be taken lightly! From stinky diapers to smelly gym clothes. From teething to term papers. From baby food to homemade faves. From comforting skinned knees to broken hearts. From setting limits to letting suffer consequences. Mom is caretaker, teacher, cook, nurse, taxi driver, counselor, homemaker, and basically just about whatever her child needs at the moment. And as tired as she may be and juggle what she may, she wouldn’t trade it for the world. Being mom is probably your number one most favorite role.

It’s no wonder so many moms feel the air has been knocked out of them when their child leaves home. Suddenly, you can’t make him breakfast or iron her favorite dress. You can’t tousle her hair or look in on him in bed. You don’t know how their day went and can’t rescue them from the world. What’s a mom to do?

I think one of the biggest factors is perspective. I love being a mom, but I love my kids more. Mothering is not about me. It’s about the men and women God gave me to raise. Because just as a single apple seed has the potential of a fruit laden apple tree, so each child we receive into this world has the potential for a fruitful, purpose-driven life.

Mothering is not about me. It’s about the men and women God gave me to raise.

Every child born into this world is a gift from God on loan. And if God has seen fit to send me one (or six in my case), it’s not because I am perfect. My mom told me when I started that God gives a portion of grace with each child, so I do believe I have received a lot of grace. God is trusting me to love them unconditionally (1 Corinthians 13), as an example of his love. He gives me wisdom to train them while under my roof in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6), so when they go out, they are prepared to make the right decisions on their own.

I will always be a mom. Three of my children are now married, and their spouse and children are their priority. That’s natural, right and healthy. I don’t need to feel displaced or loved less. It’s not a competition. Please do not compete with your child’s spouse, consciously or unconsciously. Nobody wins, but everybody loses in division. Be a mom that patiently and prayerfully adds life and love to relationships. Then I have three younger… I love having two at home in school. And one is just finishing boot camp, which has been a whole new challenge in itself, where mothering is pretty fully restricted. However, I found that what he valued most through the difficult time of separation and denial of self-will was a flow of letters giving love, reassurance, encouragement and constant reminders of the Word of God to anchor him through thick and thin.

In the end, I believe mothering is most about doing everything I can, with the grace of God, to prepare and send the young men and women under my care out on the adventure of walking out their God given destiny with a firm foundation of unconditional love, faith in God, sure identity, love and compassion for others, and an eternal perspective. I will forever be grateful to God for the joy and privilege to be called “mom”. So relax, enjoy every season, cheer your children on, pray always, give thanks to God for every blessing and even the trials, and rejoice with each one in every experience on their journey.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate. (Ps.127:3-5)